Good Bye? - Dir En Grey Fanfic

Your shadow enters the cluttered room before you do.  Normally you would keep your room relatively neat, but lately you’re been so worries about Shinya that stuff like keeping your room cleaned seems trivial.  Toshiya, Kaoru, and Die take turns coming by, to make sure you’re all right.  You couldn’t care less about them.  You just want to see Shinya again.  Is that so much to ask?  Just to see his beautiful porcelain skin and long flowing hair again, but the doctors won’t let anyone see him.  They are trying to keep him all to themselves.

Life doesn’t seem worth living without the calm drummer around.

You sigh and carefully pick your way through the room, over to a writing desk in the corner.  After sitting yourself down, you reach behind the desk to a secret drawer in the back and pull out a notebook.  It wasn’t so much the you wanted to keep it hidden.  You could not care if someone saw it because more of it turned into song lyrics anyway.  You thought that maybe if you hid your thoughts and problems away, then maybe they would just disappear.

You quickly flip though the pages, skimming over the words, recognizing the now popular songs.  The last entry was a little over a month ago, so much has happened since the.  You take out a pen and start writing.

"Kyo was late for practice, like usual.  Everyone else had been waiting for about an hour."

Noticing your habit of writing in the 3rd person, you cringe.  You make a mental note to try to stop the habit and keep writing.

"He crashed through the doors.  Kyo expected to be mauled by questions about where he was, but no one seemed to care.

Die and Toshiya sat off to one side.  Die must have cracked another joke because Toshiya’s face was red from laughter, it looked like he was going to pop.  Kaoru sat on the couch reading a new book he had gotten the other day.  Shinya sat near the window.

For the first time Kyo realized how beautiful the slender drummer was.  The morning sun shone in through the window, making the younger man look like he had a halo.  What did he find so interesting out that window?

Kyo walked over to Kaoru.

‘Hi, sorry I’m late.’

Kaoru didn’t say anything, just looked up from his book and glared at the vocalist.  Kyo winced as the book collided with his head.  More laughter broke out from where Die and Toshiya were sitting.  Kyo started laughing too, but stopped when he glanced over at Shinya, who still stared out the window.  He looked so sad there, Kyo was worried.

‘So, are we going to start practicing now?’ Toshiya asked, getting up from his seat.

‘Yeah,’ Die said, ‘Hey Shinya!  Stop daydreaming!  We’re practicing now.’

Shinya blinked as if he had just come back from another world.  He moved over to his drums and sat down.  Kyo noticed that Shinya was really skinny, skinnier than normal.  Kyo just dismissed it though, he probably just missed a meal or two.  That would explain the spacing off.’

You yawn and rub your face.  It was late, almost 2 in the morning now.  As much as you wanted to sleep, you can’t.  You can’t eat either.  That’s why the others are always coming over, to shove food down your throat.  You flip the page and continue writing.

"After practice Kyo walked over to Shinya as he was putting his jacket on.

‘Hey Shinya-chan, is something wrong?’

‘Wha..?  Oh, no.  Nothing’s wrong…’  he looked down at the ground when he answered and shifted his weight uneasily.

‘You suck at lying you know that right?’

Shinya’s face reddened a bit.

‘Come on, we’re going drinking.’

Kyo grabbed the drummer’s hand and pulled him out the door and down the hall.

‘No, Kyo.  I don’t want to.  Can’t a just go home?’  Shinya whined.

‘Nope.’

‘But I am tired, please?’

‘Too bad.’

Kyo pulled Shinya out to the parking lot and shoved him into his car and drove off to a near-by bar."

A faint knock at the door draws you from the memory.  Wishing that the person would just go away, you hear the persistent knock again.  You close your book and get up from your seat and make your way to the door.

Unlocking the door makes a loud click in the dark, quiet apartment.  You squint as you open the door to the lit hallway.  The unnatural light shone off Toshiya’s vinyl covered body.  You could tell by just looking at him that he had been drinking.  He tottered in the door from and had that glazed look in him eyes.

"I thought I would come by’n see howuu rr…" he said, rather slurred.  He stumbles into the apartment and attempts to undo the laces of his boots.

How much had he been drinking?

"Why did you even bother?  You can’t even walk straight…"

"Kaoru said to come he—"

Before Toshiya could finish his sentence, he fell to the ground.  You just stand there for a while, staring at the passed out man on your front door.  You sigh and drag the pitiful man into your living room and leave him there, sprawled out on the floor.  After throwing a blanket on Toshiya, you walk back to your room.

He is so pathetic.

You open up you book again, after searching around for the pen that had fallen on the floor, and start writing again.

" ‘Seriously Shinya, I know something is wrong.  Please, tell me?’

‘No… you wouldn’t understand.’

Kyo looked straight into Shinya’s eyes.

‘I won’t tell anyone, I swear.  Please…’

Shinya looked everywhere other then at the small vocalist staring at him.

‘Urgh…. Fine,’  Shinya gave in.  

Kyo smiled faintly from winning, but it quickly disappeared to show his friend that he was serious.  

Shinya slowly took a sip of his drink, ‘I’m just getting sick of being the unnoticed person in the back.  I’m not weird like you and Kaoru, or funny like Die.  I’m definitely not beautiful like Totchi.  I’m just boring, old me.  I’m sick of it.’

‘You don’t need to be like me or the rest of the other guys though.  Where would we be if there were two Dies?  We would not get anything done and we might die from laughter.’

A smile broke out on Shinya’s sad face.

‘Yeah, but you cannot understand.  You have thousands of fans that adore you.’

‘You have lots too - But that doesn’t matter.  They mostly only like us for our image anyway.  Please don’t be all sad.’ Kyo put his arms around Shinya, hugging him reassuringly.  He noticed that Shinya’s body felt as fragile as it looked.  ‘You’re not boring.  You are the one that everyone can talk to.  Remember after the Macabre Tour?  How I was all depressed?  Well, I was going to kill myself that night I talked to you.  I didn’t because of what you said.’

Shinya’s eyes grew wide as he realized what he had stopped.  It had never occurred to him how much he had helped his friend.

The drummer stammered out a shocked ‘Oh.’

Kyo hugged Shinya tighter.

‘Don’t ever get depressed, ok?  Leave that to me.  Then you can cheer me up.  Not the other way around ‘cause I really suck at this.’

Shinya smiled, hugging Kyo back.  

‘Yeah,’ he murmured into Kyo’s ear.

Kyo didn’t realize how forced that smile was.  He was too busy enjoying the hug."

You close the book and put it back in the hidden drawer.  Crawling into your bed, you hold one of the black pillows close.  Tears roll down your face and disappear on the black.  You remember his soft, warm body in your arms again as you slowly drift to sleep.
Black fades to fuzziness and slowly comes into focus.  You just lie there, staring at the ceiling.  A hushed bumping sound coming from the kitchen reaches your room.  At first you think that he has come back.  Your heart quickens as you imagine him standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast.  Or is it lunch?  It doesn’t matter.  You sneak up behind him and worm your arms around him shirtless body, placing light kisses on his bare back.

Then you remember Toshiya from last night.  The idea that you actually love him finally settles in your brain.  A tear rolls down your cheek.

Amazing how much water is in one human being.

You try to remember all the little details about him, the way the wind played with his hair or the way the sun gleamed in his eyes, always staring at something so far away.  Everything was like little butterflies, though.  Just when you could almost picture some beautiful part of him, the memory would flutter away.

You start weeping uncontrollably.  The tears just keep coming.

Don’t people ever run out of water?

Your whole body shakes with the sobbing.

Why are they keeping him!?!  It’s not going to help anyone!

You curl yourself up in a tight ball to try to stop the shaking.  You do not even notice the loud cries escaping from your mouth.  It could easily be heard in the kitchen, but you couldn’t care if the whole world could hear you.

Toshiya appeared in the door way.

"Kyo, don’t worry.  It’ll be all right," he said in the most concerned voice the hung over man could utter.  He truly is concerned, but he is unsure of what to do when stuff like this happened.  He quickly sat on the bed and pulls you in a tight hug.

"Shhh…. It’s ok Kyo… It’s ok.  Don’t worry."

The basest starts rocking you both back and forth while petting your hair back from your face.

Wow, Toshiya would make a good parent.

"I want Shinya back so much," you manage to sob into Toshiya’s shoulder.

"We all do," he replied, still holding you close.

"NO!  You don’t get it!"  You pull back from Toshiya and stare at him, tears poring down your face.  

"I love him!"  You yell at him loud enough for the whole floor of the apartment building to hear you.  "I want to be with him so badly, but I can’t even see him!  He’s the world to me and he’s gone!  It’s all my fault too.  I was trying cheer him up but I only made it worse.  It’s my fault!  I nearly killed the one I love!"

Toshiya just stares back at you, dumbfounded, as he processed what you just said.  "It’s not your fault.  It’s no one’s fault."  He managed to stammer out.

"It is my fault though!"  You remember that forced smile on his face again.

Your eyes grow wide.  Drawing your hand to your mouth, you quickly dash out of the bedroom and to the washroom.  What little food you had the day before was now being vomited into the sink.  Just when you thought you had emptied your stomach of everything, you get a whiff of that shampoo that he liked so much.  More stomach fluids come up.

Somehow puking involuntarily was is never as fun as vomiting on stag.

You curl up in a corner of the bathroom.  Taking deep breathers in and out, you try to regain your nerves.  Toshiya appears in the doorway.  He looks at you pitifully and sits down beside you, wrapping his arms around you.

"You won’t tell anyone, will you?"  You manage to croak out of your raw throat.

"Of course not.  Not unless you want me to,"  he whispers into your ear.

You bite your lip, "Toshiya."

"Yeah?"

"You’re the bestest friend ever."

You put your arms around him and hug him thankfully.

The two of you sit there in silence for a while (What a place to sit) when a knock comes from the door.

He gets up and you follow him to the door.

The basest unlocks the door.  Kaoru looks at Toshiya, then peers around him to see you.  He must be psychic or something because from one look at you and Toshiya, he knew what had happened.

Toshiya moved out of the way to let the guitarist in.  Without saying anything he hugs you.

Don’t people know how to say hi anymore?  And why do all of them have to come here?

Die slips in behind Kaoru.

"I got a call this morning from the hospital,"  Kaoru said.  There was something in his voice…

Your eyes light up, ignoring it, and it feels as if your heart skips a beat.  Could your beautiful prince be all right?

"We came over as soon as we got the call."  There was something in way Die said that… something not right.

But they’re a we now?  You had always assumed that those two were together, but they never really said anything about it.

"The doctor says that Shinya is--  " …ok.

The thought of the couple abruptly flutters from your mind and is quickly replaced by what Kaoru said.  His words echo inside your head.  They are so beautiful together, but ugly and obscene by themselves.  It was so perfect, like mother with her new born child.  So perfectly happy, and yet something is wrong.  Something is always wrong.  She’s walking into the traffic

Please go back to the sidewalk.  It’s so much safer there.  Go back, go back and have a happy life.  Please…

Tears form in your eyes again.  Your legs feel weak, like jelly.  You know that you have collapsed on the ground, but you cannot feel it’s soft reassuring strength underneath you.  Everything seems like an old silent movie.  Those chairs in the theater are so comfortable.

You look at everything from a distance now.  You hear someone laughing, just far enough to be faint, but screaming in your ear.  Kyo lies on the ground, a smile spread wide on his face.
Laughing.
That disgusting psycho is laughing.  He has what he wants!  All I want is Shinya!  You can’t see him now!

A troubled look emerges on Die’s face.

He looks so scared at times, what a silly child.

Kaoru puts him arm around Die and quietly tells Toshiya that they will wait outside.  They both leave without saying anything.

How rude, no good bye?

The laughing slowly becomes familiar again.  Your own voice is heard again, from your own ears, from your own mouth.  You continue making a sound, but is it laughing or crying?

Toshiya kneels down beside you.  You can feel his arms around you.  His arms are so strong and real.  Small hands grip onto his arms, holding onto reality.  You can feel the arms but are they really there?  Or is it you that isn’t there?  Your whole body is numb.  Nothing seems real.  Nothing?  Or just that pile of flesh shaking on the floor?

Those words are not beautiful together.  Shinya is beautiful.  Death is beautiful.  But they should not be together.  Together they are hideous.  Deformed, repulsive, foul, revolting, monstrous.  Isn’t that what this flesh is?  A monster?

"I’m a monster.  It’s my fault!  I killed him!  He died because of me!"  Your shrieking screams were hardly considered words.  "And now I’m going to kill Kyo."

Everything is much more clearer now.  You opened your heart to Shinya.  That black little heart, evil in every way.  Was it always like that?  No, but you hid it from the truth.  All it ever fed off of was little black lies that enveloped it and filled it.

You opened that black, empty ravine, and he swam in it.  It darkened his skin and mind, covering his body and soul.  You killed him with your love.  Your love is your lies, your hate you.

All he sees now is black.  He is sleeping so peacefully now, right beside death.  So lonely he must be… but you’ll join him soon.

The door opens again.  They’re yelling but their shouts are so far away, it doesn’t matter anymore anyways…

You make a mad dash for the balcony.  All you ever wanted to do was find true love.  It never seemed like too much to ask, but you can only love if you have a heart.  It was foolish to think that you would love someone alive.  You could only love death.  Shinya was dead the moment you saw him as beautiful, just no one knew that.

The wind rushes by you face.  If you would have looked up, you could have see the three men on your balcony.  They were screaming, but the only sound you could here was the wind in your ears.  It was so pure and gentle, but it was ripping at your cloths as if it hated you.  It almost felt cleansing in a way, like it was removing the blackness.

Was it?

All you can see is black now, so what does it matter?

~OWARI